Table,Temple, Temperament

Table, Temple, Temperament


Chapter eight of Varaahapuraanam (date approximately 10th Century A.D.) gives a very interesting story. A righteous and pious hunter lives in a forest. He kills just one animal a day for food for himself and his family. After cooking it, he makes offerings first to the Gods, then to the departed souls in the family, then to his guests and shares the rest with his family and servants. He has one son and one daughter. He brings up these two as ideal children, instilling in them the virtues of good and righteous conduct and religious beliefs. When his daughter grows up to be a fine maiden of upright character and conduct and well educated, he decides that she deserves a husband equal to her in learning and virtues. He seeks alliance for her with the great Rishi (Sage) Mathanga’s son Prasanna. The sage readily agrees because the hunter’s noble qualities are known far and wide. After the marriage, the hunter’s daughter goes to live with her husband at the sage’s residence. She endears herself to everyone by her intelligent and helpful conduct and everyone is happy.

After some time, the atmosphere is suddenly vitiated. For some trivial lapse, the sage’s wife teases the girl that, being the daughter of animal killer, she does not know how to practice penance or to attend on her husband. The girl returns to her parents in distress. The hunter, after getting an account of what transpired, goes to the sage, who is unaware of the background. The sage welcomes the hunter with all affection and respect and invites him for food. The hunter prefers to cook his own food and asks for some rice. When it is given to him, he looks at it and immediately says “ I refuse to have food with you. Do you know how many living beings are destroyed when you prepare your food? And you do not offer your food to the Gods and others as prescribed. After all, I kill just one animal a day and take my food prepared out of its meat only after I offer it to the Gods, departed souls, guests and family including servants”. Then he narrates to the sage the manner in which his daughter is abused. Finally, he throws a curse “there shall be no mutual trust and amity between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law”. Curious isn’t it that this has been by and large true over the ages!!

Well, this left me wondering because, our elders never told a story, especially in the form a Puraanam or Ithihaasam without a message, often discernible only to the inquiring mind. Probably, the stress was on incompatibility of food habits, sense of values or lack of tolerance as some of the major causes of domestic discontent. In the current scenario, we may add a few more factors to this list i.e., the problems created by generation gap, excessively possessive attitude and fast changing social set up.

I remembered an incident, which occurred in my life almost two decades ago.
I had a very good friend (a South Indian Brahmin), much older than me, who would come to my assistance at any time most willingly. A confirmed optimist and always radiating goodwill and jubilant mood as he was, I was surprised to find him totally confused and downcast when I visited him one day. The atmosphere in his house, which was otherwise very lively, often punctuated with peals of laughter at the jokes, which he used to crack, was gloomy. The problem was that his daughter was insisting on marrying a boy from a different State and caste and linguistic group. They had developed attachment when they were working at a place. They had moved away to different towns about five years previously and did not have any chance to see each other, nor did they correspond with each other. In spite of this, their mutual affection had increased and both had decided to remain celibate if they could not be united in marriage. The factors against the alliance, according to my friend, were the caste difference, divergent practices and possible problems in social acceptance. I do not know what happened to me, but I just told him “ uncle, if they could nurture their mutual affection though they had not seen each other for over five years, do you think anyone has a right to obstruct the union? So long as their TABLE, TEMPLE AND TEMPERAMENT (food habits, religious faith and sense of values and likes and dislikes) are compatible, not necessarily congruent, they will be happy”. My friend jumped up and embraced me very emotionally. The marriage was performed and the couple is happy.


I got a copy of Varaaha Puraanam much later, for reference in connection with another work. I was surprised to find that Chapter Eight supported my statement by referring to the converse. I am not, even for a single moment, advocating that we throw our old customs and entire social structure overboard, lock, stock and barrel. After all,
there must have been some reason and justification for our traditions. While it is easy to distort and destroy these, such a step, without a viable, stable and enduring alternative, will lead to chaos. Even the most cosmopolitan parents become conservative when it comes to marriage of their sons and daughters. Pearl S. Buck has amply demonstrated this through her novel “Come, My Beloved”. Yet, let us also remember that times have changed; technological advancement has revolutionized not only the way of life, but also the outlook. Grown ups of both sexes are thrown together in academic pursuits, work situations and social and religious gatherings and nature plays cupid by instinct rather than choice. Of course, marriage as a bond, must be enduring and should be based on mutual understanding and support through thick and thin. What instinct promotes must be put to test through reasoning and assessment of compatibility. All over the globe, intellectuals struggled to raise human species far above the rest of the animal kingdom. Marriage as an institution has to survive trials and tribulations and the couple should remain in permanent bond which only death can separate. Society has to survive on the basis of permanent commitment in certain important spheres of human existence. Submission to fleeting infatuations will only destroy the social fabric. All over the world, even animals look after their progeny till they become self sufficient, capable of getting their food, etc. This period ranges from just a few minutes to a few months. In the human specie, it used to be about 12 to 15 years. With the advancement of education and technology, dependence of progeny on parents in our society (Indian background) extends to even 20 to 25 years. A few years back, a parent in his sixties, confided in me that he has to continue to work because he had to finance his son’s post-doctorate research. He lamented “ the poor boy is only 28 and he is ambitious”!!! This is probably an extreme case of possessiveness and misconceived sense of responsibility. Probably in such cases, acceptance of a daughter-in-law as part of one’s family will also be difficult as the parent is likely to mistake her as an intruder in the relationship between himself and his son.

Leaving this digression apart, in our set up, parents will be bound to counsel and guide their children in the selection of life partner. But to become over possessive and get excited if the choice is not theirs, destroying the peace of several and one’s own self, is, I am afraid, totally uncalled for. Graceful acceptance of what happens under the circumstances will probably be the best course. I hope the story in Varaahapuraanam will lend authenticity to this view.
In my personal experience, there are many families where children have married outside their groups and still the atmosphere is cordial and happy. There are also many cases where marriage within the same community or groups have failed. This proves that ultimately, it is the compatibility, the spirit of tolerance that makes a marriage successful.
Society should also have a broad outlook and should not look down upon a family merely because one of its members has married a person outside its religious, linguistic or geographic group.
I wrote the basic structure of this article for consoling a family who were distressed that their social group looked down upon them for their daughter marrying a person outside their linguistic group. I thought I should put it on my blog as I find that even now people are not ready to accept such marriages.
I am sure that at least some people will benefit by this.
P.G.Krishnamoorthy